Category: Philosophy

Inside/Out Self-awareness

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If self-awareness is a journey, insights are the “aha” moments along the way. They’re the fuel powering the souped-up sports car on the highway of self-awareness: with them, we can step on the gas pedal; without them, we’re stranded on the side of the road.

Eurich, Tasha. Insight . Crown. Kindle Edition.

According to Tasha Eurich, we learn from “alarm clock” events, situations that challenge us with new roles, rules, losses, trauma, as well as small mundane insights. These, “aha” moments or “alarm clock” events are life opportunities to learn balancing inside and outside self-awareness.

Doesn’t sound pleasant at all! Who likes alarm clocks??

Covid-19 is certainly an alarm clock event, a window of time that confuses our perspective on ourselves. We infect each other, not only with viruses but with joy and sadness too.

What does this alarm clock wake me up to? That I am connected to my neighbors more intimately than I ever imagined, I am vulnerable yet capable, isolated yet not alone, that I decide who I am every moment, with every decision to go for a walk, wear a mask or not, cook at home, order out, buy meat, read a book or binge watch cooking shows. This is partly why I am exhausted. Self-awareness, constant balanced decision making is tiresome. Awareness of the framed window of existence that I am is exhausting. This alarm clock event interrupts false comforts of regularity and certainty. I don’t know the “new” pattern. None of us know.

Because I don’t know, I have to look outside myself. Reach out to you, for example, reading this right now, passing by my virtual window, even though you don’t know. Solidarity in loss.

If we were are all windows. How easy it would be to just close the shutters! How horrible it would be to miss out on the view, sunshine, moonlight, noise, breeze, reflection, and connection?

I know this self-awareness/social-awareness is a luxury.

I don’t know what I’m learning right now, sitting here social distancing on a beautiful sunny Sunday, but somehow I feel that I’m learning something important. I imagine you are too.

May learn we about ourselves together as the alarm clock buzzes,

Hungryphil

Life as a career

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Life itself is your career, and your interaction with life is your most meaningful relationship. Everything else you’re doing is just focusing on a tiny subset of life in the attempt to give life some meaning. What actually gives life meaning is the willingness to live it. It isn’t any particular event; it’s the willingness to experience life’s events.

Singer, Michael A.. The Untethered Soul (p. 161). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.

Covid-19 has turned so many things upside down. The upside down, blurry vision sometimes offers glimpses of hidden perspectives. Like: since we can work from home, why were we “going” to work anyway? Why do 9-5 jobs exist? What is the relationship between time and purpose? Who do we shelter with, and potentially infect and are infected by? What are essential services? What is home when a social boundary as well as a retreat? What are we losing in this social distancing? What are we gaining? How do I connect to loved ones outside my bubble? How do I love from a distance? How do I have hope without expectations? How do I plan without hubris?

How do I show my willingness to live? How do I serve and do justice to life itself? How would I write my resume for a career in life?

The quote above reassures me that I don’t have to be anything. I just have to live life the best I can. Let life flow through me including all the questions, uncertainties and losses. It isn’t good or bad, its simply braving life, willfully.

Living well is an miraculous achievement.

Today I have eaten well, rested well, noticed my surrounding well, connected with those sheltering in place with me, I spoke, I shared, cooked and cooked, cleaned, contributed beyond my walls as best as I could. I did not change the world. I witnessed life lived in my tiny corner of the universe. That has to be enough.

I’ll admit, some days it feels easier to stay under the covers and hide from life.

We are all independent contractors invested in the career of life. We do better when we collaborate instead of compete.

Give yourself a performance review today. How do you rate your career in life ?

I wish you willingness to experience life’s events, beautiful and scary,

Hungyphil

Relief in Social Distancing?

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My initial concern, as a counselor, with social distancing in this time of COVID-19 was the increased potential for social isolation.

I worry about the elderly, the children in abusive or unsafe homes, the victims of partner violence, the ones living alone, the ones sick or afraid.

One of my first remote sessions caused me to think a bit differently about our situation.

What if, social distancing allows for a moment of respite not only from the judgment of others, but also from self-expectations? What if, in sheltering in place, we allow ourselves the grace of non-productivity grounded in social caring?

For one client, anxiety and anger melted away over the past week of interrupted activity. No issues to report. Nothing to discuss. Just ease sitting on the couch and watching television.

How powerful is simply pausing and distancing.

Thinking of this self-imposed quarantine as a vacation instead of social rejection, isolation or imprisonment may help explain my client’s sense of ease.

Of course, many cannot afford times without work, travel, social interaction. With social distancing, how can we get food and shelter to those who need it? How will small businesses survive? How can people working hourly shifts, work? How can children learn and grow? How long can we distance for the sake of collective health? Can we continue this sense of solidarity from a distance when we are able to approach each other again?

Alongside these broad social questions, maybe an important spiritual lesson to slow down is being taught to us. Our lives depend on it. Maybe beyond threats of COVID-19.

How are you experiencing social distancing?

Is it a relief? a suffering? a break? a welcomed pause? an uncomfortable uncertainty? are you worried about your parents, family who may seem further away and more vulnerable? Are you playing more games with your kids? Eating more meals together?

Are you distancing the events on your calendar, softening expectations, shortening to-do lists? Are you able to hear yourself better as other move away? Are the voices that rumble “you are not doing enough” distancing too? Do you find yourself weirdly at ease?

I do.

Wishing you health and self-aware ease,

Hungryphil

How to host personal growth

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“If I can create a relationship characterized on my part:

by a genuineness and transparency, in which I am my real feelings;

by a warm acceptance of and prizing of the other person as a separate individual:

by a sensitive ability to see his world and himself as he sees them;

Then the other individual in the relationship:

will experience and understand aspects of himself which previously he has repressed;

will become more similar to the person he would like to be;

will be more self-directing and self-confident;

will become more of a person, more unique and more self-expressive;

will be more understanding, more accepting of others;

will be able to cope with the problems of life more adequately and more comfortably.”

From On Becoming a Person by Carl Rogers (1961)

Achieving the transparency, acceptance and skill to see another’s point of view that can host self-actualization requires much more practice than I ever imagined. Philosophy had not prepared me for the pragmatic social work demands self-awareness as a necessary condition to help others. To the philosophical imperative to “know thyself” social work adds “so you can help others know themselves.”

Relentless self-assessment, self-care, self-awareness can be demanding. Carl Rogers working during mid-20th century tells us why this practice is the precondition to help another. This is the difference between service as pity and service as love. One make me feel “better than” while the latter makes me feel “better with.” It is a small but important distinction that requires constant cultivation.

What if I’m too afraid to be transparent with others? Isn’t easier to hide behind a facade of a professional distance? This way I don’t have to be human and vulnerable with a client, or ever…

Carl Roger’s client centered approach challenges me to questions:

“Can I be in someway which will be perceived by the other person as trustworthy, as dependable or consistent in some deep sense?

Can I be expressive enough as a person that what I am will be communicated unambiguously?

Can I let myself experience positive attitudes toward this other person — attitudes of warmth, caring, liking, interest, respect?

Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other?

Can I step into his private world so completely that I lose all desire to evaluate or judge it?

Can I free him from the threat of external evaluation?”

Can I meet this other individual as a person who is in process of becoming, or will I be bound by his past and by my past?

If my past is equally implicated in the change process of another, doesn’t the others past also affect me? The philosophical insight of Carl Rogers’ work is that we are always becoming a person with others.

My subjectivity is conditioned by intersubjective experiences.

Social work is pragmatic philosophy. At least that’s my how and why I want to host personal growth, self-actualization, self-awareness.

How about you? How would you describe relationships that helped you grow?

Image from https://counsellingtutor.com/biography-of-carl-rogers/

Hungry Philosopher and Starving Artists

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Imagine,

( you are good at that my artist and creative friends),

you walk into my counseling office.

You seat yourself in a red mid-century modern chair. No arm rests. You fold your hands on your lap and notice that you are sitting upright. You allow yourself to lean into the back support. You look around for clues to what might happen next: the white board, the desk, the pens, the walls, me across from you. Your eyes rest on the rug under your feet. I ask you…..

How do you feel about your art?

You are most welcome to share your thoughts in the comments below or just hold them gently in your heart.

Hungry philosophers and starving artists are always looking to fill themselves with meaning and beauty. How do you endure the uncertain tide of human feelings, starting with your own? How do you allow as Betye Saar says “creative grieving”?

Artist Betye Saar with a background that includes social work and design, my hero, talks about risking ridicule in efforts to raise universal consciousness and in dealing with personal emotions. I wonder how she would answer my soft question. In a way it maybe easier to talk about the role of art for society than the role of art for you or your relationship to your own art.

“I think the chanciest thing is to put spirituality in art,” Ms. Saar says as she gently shifts elements of the assemblage around, trying this combination and that. “Because people don’t understand it. Writers don’t know what to do with it. They’re scared of it, so they ignore it. But if there’s going to be any universal consciousness-raising, you have to deal with it, even though people will ridicule you.”

“And you have to deal with personal emotions, because they’re there,” she added. “I think people are afraid of those too. My younger sister’s husband died this year. I said to her, you’ve got to start making something beautiful. Beauty is a form of spirituality. Once you start making something with your hands, the healing starts. I call this creative grieving.”

– Betye Saar

The Nourishing Opposite

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Yogic psychology says there’s more. Encountering these stuck and painful knots is the path. This perspective teaches us that we aren’t stuck, we’re only identifying with less satisfying “things.” One remedy, Patanjali tells us, is to look for the opposite (II:33). I think of it as the Nourishing Opposite (Fay, 2010) not just any opposite, but something that will actually invite more nourishment into our experience. Pain, then, is a process of pointing out the way to remember and return ourselves to our true nature. In integrating opposites, holding these opposites simultaneously (Bryant, 2009; Miller, 2014), a third higher synthesis occurs (Patanjali 2.48), in which suffering is eased.

Fay, Deirdre. Attachment-Based Yoga & Meditation for Trauma Recovery: Simple, Safe, and Effective Practices for Therapy (pp. 16-17). W. W. Norton & Company. Kindle Edition.

The prescription to nourish the opposite when feeling stuck is the same process as identifying presenting issues and corresponding client goals. In seeking the opposite of what pains us, we seek joy. Treatment plans that include objectives, interventions and modalities chart the path of the nourishing opposite. Together we seek ease for the anxious, joy for the grieving, elevation for the depressed, reality for the delusional, focus for the inattentive. Therapy invites the nourishing opposite.

What pains you? What is this pain’s opposite? Can you invite the nourishing opposite?

As a therapist-intern, I find myself sometimes wobbly having absorbed client anxieties, fears, angers, sadness and confusion. Why am I angry? Is this anger even mine? Is this pain mine? Am I mirroring client feelings? Or maybe my feelings are responding, like a song?

I have been feeling irritable this weekend. What is the nourishing opposite? Feeling agreeable? How do I feel agreeable? Accept what is, accept that for now I’m feeling irritable, sensitive, overwhelmed, cranky without shame.

Writing helps me. Sharing with you nourishes me. I already feel a bit more relaxed, allowing myself to feel irritable and agreeable at the same time.

Now you try it. What feeling is bothering you? What is the opposite? How do you invite the nourishing opposite? How can you sit with the contradiction?

This takes practice, doesn’t it…

May we return to our own nature by listening to our discomfort (over and over again),

Hungryphil

Photography by Nate Dale – New Adventure Production

Nourish Hope

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Chronic anxiety is a crisis of hope. It is the fear of a failed future. Depression is a crisis of hope. It is the belief in a meaningless future. Delusion, addiction, obsession — these are all the mind’s desperate and compulsive attempts at generating hope one neurotic tic or obsessive craving at a time.

The avoidance of hopelessness — that is, the construction of hope — then becomes our mind’s primary project. All meaning, everything we understand about ourselves and the world, is constructed for the purpose of maintaining hope. Therefore, hope is the only thing any of us willingly dies for. Hope is what we believe to be greater than ourselves. Without it, we believe we are nothing.

Mark Manson from Everything is F*cked: A Book About Hope

How can we nourish hope within when we have lost, been disappointed, hurt or rejected? This is what the same author suggests,

Don’t hope.

Don’t despair either.

In fact don’t deign to believe you know anything. It’s that assumption of knowing with such blind, fervent, emotional certainty that gets us into these kinds of pickles in the first place.

Don’t hope for better. Just be better.

Be something better. Be more compassionate, more resilient, more humble, more disciplined.

– Mark Manson from Everything is F*cked: A Book about Hope

Wishing the few of you reading this a holiday season being better,

Hungryphil

Metabolizing Sweet Joy

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Dear Readers,

I have a confession.

I’ve been converting joy into fear. My desire to help into a fear of hurting others. I haven’t been digesting life or metabolizing my nutrient-rich loving supports in spirit or in body despite this blog’s mission.

Mostly I’m guilty of being unaware of my own indigestion.

The literal and material story is that my A1C reports pre-diabetes, a blame that can easily be laid at the feet of my parents. How could I, mindful eater hungryphil, fail to notice my own decreasing ability to metabolize energy?

In fearing failure, I failed.

The spiritual story is that new to my practicum site of community mental health, I let my desire to help morph into a fear of paperwork- forms, checking the wrong box, not asking enough, asking too much, not converting subjective information into correct numerical value, writing the wrong words etc. etc. The stress turned my dream job into a haunting.

I know, you’re probably thinking like my doctor, this isn’t so deep hungryphil, “just stop eating carbs and sugar, all will be well.” Part of me agrees with you.

But.

Those of you familiar with the work of Louis Hay know that diabetes expresses a:

Longing for what might have been. A great need to control. Deep sorrow. No sweetness left.

In order to counteract this association she recommends that I need to remind myself that:

This moment is filled with joy. I now choose to experience the sweetness of today.

You Can Heal Your Life . Hay House. Kindle Edition.

Yes, I know this maybe voodoo and completely unrelated to the mechanics of genetics and biology. Again, agree.

But.

What if there is more: a spiritual dimension to all that challenges us whether physical or emotional?

This my own intervention plan for the next six months until I get tested again:

  1. Reduce Carbohydrate and Sugar intake following medical advice.
  2. Walk an hour a day. Expend energy reconnecting to my ground by focusing on each step.
  3. Educate myself on how to identify supportive and nutrient-rich good things in food and people. This also means accepting help and guidance from others, for example, trust my supervisor and peers at work. I’m also working with a nutrition coach to introduce me to food that can support me better. Interestingly the first lesson involved a form of “grounding.” Nutrient rich soil produces nutrient rich produce, therefore buy from farmers who nourish the soil. Simple, right? More on this later. Fascinating how our ground and earth matters: emotionally and digestively.
  4. Recognize fears present alongside positive emotions instead of replacing or rejecting.

May I metabolize sweetness into energetic joy. The last months I have let the joys of my life ferment in fear. I will celebrate learning new things instead of focusing on mistakes. I will celebrate my baby growing into higher learning instead of fearing her departure. I will celebrate my warm loving home and husband instead of fearing all that can interrupt.

I will celebrate you, dear readers, my willing community of ears and eyes, as part of my nourishing support.

This moment is filled with joy. I now choose to experience the sweetness of today.

May we all metabolize and accept joy with gratitude (and enjoy a warm glazed chocolate doughnut occasionally).

Hungryphil

Bittermelons and Brownies: A recipe to grow myself

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Everyday I find myself astonished and humbled by the infinite recipes for eating and living. My experience in architecture, philosophy, yoga and food has blended into a strange kaleidoscopic lens adjusting awareness, responsibility and joy in every interaction. I see cooking as transformative, as an event that helps me to take the other in, to consume, to enjoy and to cherish. My revised recipe for living now involves three considerations borrowing from yoga mindfulness and object oriented philosophy.

 (X)  Everything is a location in existence.

You, as a thing, are a dynamic location. You are a unique point in the stippled picture of the universe, never isolated, always responding. As is, everything else.

I borrow this from the practice of yoga that warns us against the misguided and egocentric belief that we are proudly autonomous or sadly disconnected.

X+  Everything is more than it appears.

You, as a thing, are more than your actions, emotions, body, race, religion, thought, features, likes, dislikes, you and everything you think you know is more than your assessment. You are hidden. As is, everything else.

Object oriented thinking and Graham Harman taught me to celebrate the darkness and depth of things. There is a philosophical generosity in accepting the unknown and resisting the drive for full disclosure.

 X + ( –X)  Everything is conditioned on what it is not.

Food is the visceral example of this. What is not you, sustains you. You are weird. As is, everything else.

Timothy Morton, the author of the Poetics of Spice (2006), Dark Ecology  (2016) and much more in between, talks about the “weird,” turning, twisting, looping non-linear causality and coexistence of things.

You, as a thing, are as a location in existence, more than what you seem and are conditioned by everything that is not you, and everything you encounter does the same.

Everything is a Point. Hidden. Weird.  Including, you. And, me.

Thing: {(X), X+, [X+(-X)]}

Keep reading. This is the master recipe I’ll be using in all food stories to come and to help me care about things I don’t understand. Let me tell you how to eat bittermelons and brownies, and a few things in between.

Guiding self-awareness

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Can self-awareness be taught? Yes and no. I prefer the idea that self-awareness can be guided, safe guarded. As someone guiding efforts of increased self-awareness and self-actualization, I see my role as holding space and sometimes modeling, similar to teaching a yoga class. The sequence I call out is not the experience. Parallel to every call to move into a pose is a reminder to stay within one’s own body and breath. Therapy and counseling is no different. Leading someone to an emotional or physical point that hurts, stretches, aches requires careful awareness in order to avoid additional pain and injury. There is a balance between guiding one to their edge and protecting their choice to grow, move, change, ache, beyond hurt.

Therapists are always weighing the balance between forming a trusting alliance and getting to the real work so the patient doesn’t have to continue suffering. From the outset, we move both slowly and quickly, slowing the content down, speeding up the relationship, planting seeds strategically along the way. As in nature, if you plant the seeds too early, they won’t sprout. If you plant too late, they might make progress, but you’ve missed the most fertile ground. If you plant at just the right time, though, they’ll soak up the nutrients and grow. Our work is an intricate dance between support and confrontation.

Gottlieb, Lori. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed . HMH Books. Kindle Edition.

This dance requires emotional muscle memory and compassion that comes from having attempted personal variations on the same dance of confronting life’s challenges. There is personal investment for both therapist/social worker and client. It is a much deeper conversation beyond assessment and diagnosis that demands full participation by both. The creation of meaning demands this attention and presence. I cannot be present in your life, if I am not present in my own. Therapist and patient, Lori Gottlieb describes this struggle to move beyond the easy and removed task of giving advice towards self-actualization as a person and as a therapist.

… in the sense that therapy is a profession you learn by doing—not just the work of being a therapist, but also the work of being a patient. It’s a dual apprenticeship, which is why there’s a saying that therapists can take their patients only as far as they’ve gone in their own inner lives. (There’s much debate about this idea—like my colleagues, I’ve seen patients reach heights I can only aspire to. But still, it’s no surprise that as I heal inside, I’m also becoming more adept at healing others.)

Gottlieb, Lori. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed . HMH Books. Kindle Edition.

Healing must be collective. Learning how to balance self-aware ease in myself as a precondition to guide others is a formidable task. Deep breaths and try again.

May we heal from life together,

Hungryphil

Catch a glimpse of yourself in the space around you
Photography by Nate Dale – New Adventure Production