Tag: #counseling

Invitation to “know thyself”

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Three months ago I launched an online life-consulting practice: The Self-Curious Project. In this short time, I had at least 50 meaningful and honest conversations that taught me more than any academic program. So many questions worth exploring:

  • how do I not feel anxious about moving far from home?
  • how do I make friends and ease my social anxiety?
  • how do I stop nervous talking?
  • how do respond to “what will people say?”
  • how do not feel like a failure?
  • how do I live up to my parent’s expectations?
  • how do I get over a break up?
  • how do I deal with my grandmother’s death?
  • how do I adjust to grown-up children and their choices?
  • how do I feel more confident?
  • how do I like how I look?
  • how do I let go of my past hurt?
  • how do I move on and forward?
  • how do I………..

The answer depends on what each person brings with the question, in their mind, heart and body. My work with them involves making space for the uncomfortable thoughts, feelings and sensations. To make it safe to feel those feelings without judgement and with support.

My training in architecture, philosophy, social work and yoga perfectly align to this mission of supporting embodied self-curiosity. I can guide their conceptual understanding (philosophy), their awareness of inner-space within an outer world (architecture), their life circumstances and context (social work) and their moving shape (yoga). Having my own practice affords me time to explore the dynamic life of each person without rushing, without the pressure of insurance forms, without one-size-fits all conceptual impositions, without pathologizing functioning human experience. After each session, instead of notes, I write each client a summary email, recounting meaningful moments during the session, skills practiced, and yes, I give homework. There is always action. Learning without empowering action is a pointless waste of precious energy, time, space and connection. Self-acceptance requires a relentless practice of self-curiosity. It is not an event, a therapeutic breakthrough, a quick fix. Hence, the need for a witness, coach, consultant, counselor, or therapist.

Sitting with clients has taught me to slow down, to carefully listen for answers hidden in their own questions. Sometimes I feel like an archeologist, helping excavate hidden hopes and treasure. It is magical to see a person recognize themselves in their own fears and joys. I welcome the tears and I welcome the smiles. It is all the dazzling array of life examined, accepted, and thus worthy.

This blog is my self-curious playground. Thank you for reading, keeping me company and being my listener. The self-curious project is about you, fed by what I learn about myself here. It is the professional face of my personal inspirations. As readers of my private curiosities, I invite you to visit: https://theselfcurious.com/.

I offer a complimentary 30-minute consultation mostly because I enjoy connecting with people, and also so you can make an informed choice of whether self-exploration is worth your time and money. Signing up for a time-slot is easy. If not, email me.

Let’s have a architectural, embodied, philosophical and therapeutic conversation about what it’s like to be you. If I don’t see you there, no worries, hope to still see you here. I’m so thankful for your presence.

Stay in goodness. Stay in ease.

Lisa

Food Poem: Breakfast by Joyce Sutphen

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My father taught me how to eat breakfast
those mornings when it was my turn to help
him milk the cows. I loved rising up from

the darkness and coming quietly down
the stairs while the others were still sleeping.
I’d take a bowl from the cupboard, a spoon

from the drawer, and slip into the pantry
where he was already eating spoonfuls
of cornflakes covered with mashed strawberries

from our own strawberry fields forever.
Didn’t talk much—except to mention how
good the strawberries tasted or the way

those clouds hung over the hay barn roof.
Simple—that’s how we started up the day.


Joyce Sutphen, “Breakfast” from First Words, Red Dragonfly. from the Writer’s Almanac, Monday 9/13/21

A simple start to the day with a loved one is so comforting. What is your favorite morning ritual?

Am I ambitious or never good enough?

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Recently, the above uncertainty stirred things up in the therapy room a few times. As usual, I didn’t have the answer.

How do I endure and balance the restlessness for more with a sense of innate worthiness and abundance?

How do I know I’m doing enough? How do I know I am enough?

Everything is good in the relationship, why do I focus on the negative and want to run?

I can’t seem to get anywhere.

Is my ambition unrealistic?

This inner churning while experienced as the same restlessness with the present, arises out of a diversity of motivations and experiences. And so, soothing this tide forward and away requires personalized and unique experiments of what ifs….suggestions like…

  • What if…you imagined you were already good enough? What does it feel like to feel accomplished, admired, complete? [Manifesting positive emotions]
  • What if … you allowed these restless feelings to rest in your heart without trying to push them away? Can you be both satisfied and dissatisfied? [ DBT, tolerating conflicting feelings]
  • What if … you had an internal dialogue between your heart, mind and gut to negotiate what level of effort is appropriate without diminishing your intellectual, emotional or instinctive needs? [Non-violent communication and community]

This week, I tried, a technique from Sensorimotor psychotherapy by Pat Ogden: reframing a survival resource. The premise of this technique is that sometimes we negatively qualify a strength. For example, “I saw how hard my mom worked and I wanted her approval so worked hard too. This way I would attract her positive attention but I also never felt good enough.” In this case, a survival resource became laden with feelings of guilty laziness. Recognizing that the productive drive was felt to be necessary at the time to connect with mom but now is no longer needed in the same form. We can reframe: “I’m not good enough” to “I value/ enjoy effort (regardless of outcome).” How does your body feel when you repeat these statements to yourself? Does one feel softer than the other? Which gives you space to allow the emotional current without feeling compelled to move, to act? Can you feel the different between acting out of love of effort instead of fear of judgement?

What works for you when you feel both exhausted and self-propelled to do more? Maybe try one of the above and let me know what worked for you.

Reference: Ogden, P. (2015). Sensorimotor psychotherapy: Interventions for trauma and attachment.

Photography by Nate Dale, New Adventure Productions.

7 Signs of Client Resistance to Change

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The list below is meant to help social workers identify strategies to help clients overcome resistance to change. It could also be used as a way to self-check.

  1. Silence or minimal talking during sessions (Are you avoiding?)
  2. Engaging in intellectual talk by using technical terms/abstract concepts or asking questions of a social worker that are not related to client issues or problems (Are you intellectualizing, making excuses, distracting?)
  3. Being preoccupied with past events instead of current issues (Are you ruminating, blaming, shaming?)
  4. Discounting, censoring, or editing thoughts when asked about them by a social worker (Are you minimizing the problem?)
  5. False promising (Are you appeasing others by saying you will change when you are not ready to act?)
  6. Flattering a social worker in an attempt to soften them so that the client will not be pushed to act (Are you focusing on your family and friends as ways to avoid personal effort?)
  7. Payment delays or refusals. ( Are you claiming you don’t have time or money to make the change?)

from Social Work ASWB Masters Practice Test, 2018.

photography by Nate Dale, New Adventure Productions.

Don’t know what happiness feels like?

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I often hear versions of this confession from my clients. When a child has trouble answering, “How do you feel when you’re happy?” it poses an additional challenge.

In a recent attempt to explain, this is what I did:

Can you feel the chair underneath you? (Focusing on sensations)

What does it feel like?

Can you grab something near you? Pen, bottle of lotion, toy….

Is it hard or soft, shiny or dull, does it have a smell, is it fuzzy, it it cool or warm…a sort of 20 questions of sensations.

Once this child understood physical sensation. I asked her, what does it feel like when your mom hugs you or when you are playing with your friends?

She smiled. Still having trouble describing the sensations.

I asked her, in those times do you want to stay or leave?

“stay there” she said.

Ahhhh….so maybe happiness feels like wanting to just stay. She smiled. Maybe when you feel yourself smiling, it might be happiness?

This little person taught me that happiness is wanting to stay, wanting to be present, not wanting to escape or the feeling to end.

She may not yet know what happiness feels like but we maybe getting closer to finding out.

What does happiness feel like for you?

May you stay in ease, stay in goodness,

Hungryphil

Architect of my soul

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Long ago as an architecture student, I would dream about walking through the designs I was working on (this often turned into nightmares!). Even today, I often dream of being lost in interior spaces both familiar and unfamiliar. It is no surprise that architectural metaphors, thinking and space infuse my understanding of philosophy and therapy. After all, my dissertation was about Heidegger used in architecture. Now, I’m working on Eugene Gendlin’s understanding of Heidegger in Focusing therapy.

Most clients I work with are trapped in time. Traumatic time. For me, I work as their architect, creating space in their lives for the present, for love, for forgiveness, for openness, for beauty.

In therapy I invite others into my own metaphorical home where I am centered, happy and at peace. Maintaining this house is my professional duty. I spend one day a week, at least, cleaning, repairing and organizing this home. As I write, I am organizing this home by opening the windows into my process. This is related to Expressive Arts Therapy and an attempt to digest a reformated “introjection” about the idea of home for me.

Ask yourself, when do I feel completely at home?

The answer will show you the way to your inner eternal space, out of your time, your history, your expectations. This also the basis of the “safe place” mindfulness practice often utilized in treating trauma and anxiety.

Now ask yourself, what brings me back towards home, when I feel lost?

The answer will show you the road, the stops, the vehicle you need to return to yourself. For me, the road includes, connecting with my daughters, husband, reading and buying new books, learning something new, listening to music, eating something delicious ( I am after all the hungry-philosopher) and writing (as I am now).

Whether or not you work in counseling and healing services, it is imperative that you be a home maker.

A home-maker. An architect of your own soul NOT a house-wife, trapped in a role construction. Many of us, most our lives, live as housewives not homemakers.

Today may you be your own home-maker architect and may this confidence allow you to invite others who need space,

Hungryphil

Pausing or Stuck?

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How can I move on and grow when I’m back at home with my parents?

…I’ve been asked various versions of this question as a counselor.

At best the question exposes the uncomfortable struggle between needing support and wanting autonomy. At worst it hides destructive shame and self-doubt.

Yes, I answer.. this is your question, emphasizing the first important part of the question “How can YOU move and grow … merely qualifying the question with “when back at home with my parents?” Sometimes, a slight shift in tone starts to open up possibilities, a space to grow.

First of all, I want to continue, autonomy is a myth. We all need different levels of help. (Reality testing)

Second, ask yourself “how can I move and grow today?” Find yourself again and again. Imagined paths to independence may look a bit different at first until you find your horizon. (Partializing)

Third, how do you want to grow? Towards self-sufficiency, autonomy, independent social life, self-management and direction? Redefine the sentence for yourself: “A grown up is ……….” (Expressive Arts/ working with introjects)

Some days it may feel like a restorative pause in the rhythm of your life. Other days it may feel like a constraining reversal that propels you forward.

Often, you may just feel stuck.

In any case, it’s the question “how can I ________?” that matters. The if/when qualifiers are secondary. (empowerment)

When I find myself feeling stuck, I try to find some small way to move, to wiggle slightly, maybe even just reach up my arms to stretch, something, anything to keep holding the possibility “How can I…….?”

What do you do when you feel stuck? How do you cope and keep moving?

Hope you move through your day with ease. Thank you for reading.

Hungryphil

After filling your cup

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“What does the opposite of a seizure feel like for you? What are you doing when you are comfortable?”

“I am sipping coffee in the morning. The kids are off to school and it’s quiet.”

“Do you have a favorite coffee cup? Tomorrow morning try holding your coffee cup in your lap, feel the weight and texture of the cup, focus on how warm it is. Notice the steam rising. Take a sip. Follow the sip down into your belly. Feel the warmth travel.

Practice digesting quiet and easy moments like these. Grow the small joys, like following a sip of warm coffee in the morning. ”

Sometimes tea for me

May you fill your cup and follow your warmth today,

Hungryphil

Relief in Social Distancing?

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My initial concern, as a counselor, with social distancing in this time of COVID-19 was the increased potential for social isolation.

I worry about the elderly, the children in abusive or unsafe homes, the victims of partner violence, the ones living alone, the ones sick or afraid.

One of my first remote sessions caused me to think a bit differently about our situation.

What if, social distancing allows for a moment of respite not only from the judgment of others, but also from self-expectations? What if, in sheltering in place, we allow ourselves the grace of non-productivity grounded in social caring?

For one client, anxiety and anger melted away over the past week of interrupted activity. No issues to report. Nothing to discuss. Just ease sitting on the couch and watching television.

How powerful is simply pausing and distancing.

Thinking of this self-imposed quarantine as a vacation instead of social rejection, isolation or imprisonment may help explain my client’s sense of ease.

Of course, many cannot afford times without work, travel, social interaction. With social distancing, how can we get food and shelter to those who need it? How will small businesses survive? How can people working hourly shifts, work? How can children learn and grow? How long can we distance for the sake of collective health? Can we continue this sense of solidarity from a distance when we are able to approach each other again?

Alongside these broad social questions, maybe an important spiritual lesson to slow down is being taught to us. Our lives depend on it. Maybe beyond threats of COVID-19.

How are you experiencing social distancing?

Is it a relief? a suffering? a break? a welcomed pause? an uncomfortable uncertainty? are you worried about your parents, family who may seem further away and more vulnerable? Are you playing more games with your kids? Eating more meals together?

Are you distancing the events on your calendar, softening expectations, shortening to-do lists? Are you able to hear yourself better as other move away? Are the voices that rumble “you are not doing enough” distancing too? Do you find yourself weirdly at ease?

I do.

Wishing you health and self-aware ease,

Hungryphil

Hungry Philosopher and Starving Artists

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Imagine,

( you are good at that my artist and creative friends),

you walk into my counseling office.

You seat yourself in a red mid-century modern chair. No arm rests. You fold your hands on your lap and notice that you are sitting upright. You allow yourself to lean into the back support. You look around for clues to what might happen next: the white board, the desk, the pens, the walls, me across from you. Your eyes rest on the rug under your feet. I ask you…..

How do you feel about your art?

You are most welcome to share your thoughts in the comments below or just hold them gently in your heart.

Hungry philosophers and starving artists are always looking to fill themselves with meaning and beauty. How do you endure the uncertain tide of human feelings, starting with your own? How do you allow as Betye Saar says “creative grieving”?

Artist Betye Saar with a background that includes social work and design, my hero, talks about risking ridicule in efforts to raise universal consciousness and in dealing with personal emotions. I wonder how she would answer my soft question. In a way it maybe easier to talk about the role of art for society than the role of art for you or your relationship to your own art.

“I think the chanciest thing is to put spirituality in art,” Ms. Saar says as she gently shifts elements of the assemblage around, trying this combination and that. “Because people don’t understand it. Writers don’t know what to do with it. They’re scared of it, so they ignore it. But if there’s going to be any universal consciousness-raising, you have to deal with it, even though people will ridicule you.”

“And you have to deal with personal emotions, because they’re there,” she added. “I think people are afraid of those too. My younger sister’s husband died this year. I said to her, you’ve got to start making something beautiful. Beauty is a form of spirituality. Once you start making something with your hands, the healing starts. I call this creative grieving.”

– Betye Saar